After a breakup it is natural to be a bit wary of getting into a new relationship. Fear of heartbreak, distrust of self and others, and holding out hope for reconciliation are all reasons we lose faith in relationships. No matter what the reasons, you deserve to be in a loving and healthy relationship. Here are four ways to restore your faith in relationships:
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Forgive yourself
One thing that holds us back from relationships is ourselves. The key culprit is being unable to forgive ourselves for getting into the relationship or the breakup of the relationship. We blame ourselves or feel ashamed for how things happened. We hold on to the shame and guilt because we should have known better. How could we be so stupid, dumb, or blind? The better question is, how could you know the future? Sure there are patterns and red flags we overlook or ignore altogether, but when we are trying to get our needs met we fall into relationships that make sense at the time.
When we learn better we do better. We outgrow people and relationships. We no longer tolerate abusive behavior. We decide we want better than what we’ve been experiencing. We are ready to bloom and are tired of dying on the vine. But when the other person is not ready to let go or we are forced to let go we hurt. We feel bad and sometimes feel anger and shame because we let it happen. We self-assassinate and self-hate. Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior will repel love and healthy relationships. Instead it will attract people who validate your feelings and then a vicious cycle begins of attention, infatuation, painful reality, breakup, and self-hate. Until you forgive yourself, you may be stuck in this cycle for years. It happened to me for almost 20 years. It wasn’t until I truly forgave myself, that I was able to open myself to love.
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Release the past relationship and /or the person
Letting go of the past the next step to restoring faith in relationships. The longer we hold on to the past and that person, the harder it will be to move on. What are you holding on to? Anger? Hope? Disappointment? Fear? These feelings are normal, but if you want a healthy and happy relationship you will have to release those feelings and replace them with something new. The natural feelings after a breakup are much like the ones we have when we are grieving. Eventually the person who grieves finally lets go and moves on. It is a natural and healthy sequence of events. The same goes for the death of a relationship. Of course it is more challenging because the person we broke up with is still alive but it is not impossible. Processing the grief and leaving it to move on is possible and necessary if you will have a better relationship and have your faith restored.
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Learn the lessons from your relationship breakup
The events that lead up to your breakup are all lessons to be learned. Some things happened to make you stronger, other things happened to make you aware of the kind of person you were with. The key is to take the lessons and apply them to your life. Discover why you continue to fall into certain relationships and/or be attracted to certain types of people. Ask yourself questions during your quiet time. Why did they break up happened? What was my role? What did I miss? What would I do differently? When we learned lessons of the past relationship we become better people.
Understanding what went right and what went wrong is important after a breakup. It is more important than blaming the other person or even ourselves. It is a productive exercise vs a futile exercise of blaming, shaming, or wallowing in self-pity. Of course you deserve those feelings for a time, but eventually you must let go and begin healing and preparing yourself for the relationship you want.
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Create a vision for future relationship
What do you want in a relationship? How do you see yourself being in relationship? Not too many people really think about this before they get in a relationship. We think about the kind of person we want to be with and their features, but rarely do we see or visualize what we want, how we interact, how we will communicate, etc. There is a lot of fantasizing based on what we see in movies, novels, or television but that is not reality. Those fantasies are not our choices and are not based on our personalities.
In order to create a vision you must know yourself first. Who are you? What are your habits? What are your hang ups? What excites you, makes you afraid, motivates you, makes you feel lazy? What plans do you have for the future? What do you value? What irritates you about life, people, etc. be honest about all of this and accept that this is who you are. In thinking about who you are, also think about the kind of person you really need in your life. Does he accept you the way you are? Will he love your flaws? Will you bloom or wither in his arms? Does your lifestyles mesh? What kind of communication style does he have and do you want in a relationship? The point is to know yourself well enough to create a realistic vision of the relationship you want.
This is just the beginning for you. Restoring your faith in relationships will take time. Some steps will be easier to implement than others. It doesn’t really matter what order of the steps you do just as long as you do something. The outcome is up to you
Samantha Gregory is the author of No More Crumbs and is a relationship recovery coach. She helps women recover from a bad breakup and become relationship geniuses and attract the right relationship. Are you dealing with a broken heart masked as depression, rage, or numbness? Join the 21-Day Heal Your Heart Intensive. You deserve to feel normal again!
